The Silence Woke Her

It seemed more than a little odd that she woke from such a pleasant dream with a sudden start, only to find herself in the middle of complete, uninterrupted, desolate silence.  What was even stranger, was that she knew that it was the complete absence of sound that woke her.  The complete lack of the usual night noises, or any unusual ones for that matter.  She could not hear the traffic on the street six stories below.  There wasn't a single sound from the neighbors in the apartment next door, no stirring pr shuffling across the floor in the apartment above.  Just nothing.  No crickets, no rats, no crying babies or barking dogs.  There wasn't the usual tink-tink-tink from the faucet in the kitchen that the super had yet to repair.  The air conditioning wasn't blowing.  Her grandmothers clock on the dresser wasn't ticking.  Nothing.  She quietly tried her voice with a simple "hello".  It went unanswered, but at least she heard it's familiar sound.  That has to be a good sign she thought out loud and then chuckled to herself as she realized that she was only talking to fill the silence.  She wasn't exactly sure what she would have done if there had been a reply, and the fact that the wasn't a reply had to be another good sign.  Maybe the clock on the dresser needed to be wound up, and maybe the faucet in the kitchen was fixed while she had been at work earlier and she just hadn't noticed.  It didn't feel hot in her room, so maybe the air conditioning hadn't needed to turn on.  She decided to go check the thermostat, the faucet, and the lock on every window and the front door.

All was as it should be.  The faucet wasn't dripping, the thermostat appeared to be reading below the magic number it would have to rise to before the air conditioning started, and all of the windows and doors were locked.  She went back to her room, and looked at her grandmother's old clock.  She missed her grandmother in that moment as she recalled this clock her grandmother's mantle, and the the smells of the delicious things her grandmother used to bake.  She shook her head as she returned to reality and then began to look, or rather feel around, for the clock's winding key.  She didn't find it resting on the base of the clock where she usually left it.  She felt around the top of the dresser, near the base of the clock, thinking it had rolled off where she had placed it, but it wasn't there.  She decided to wait until morning to look further.  It was late, and she was still tired.  She walked back to the edge of her bed, and was once again bothered by the silence that surrounded her.  Instead of climbing back beneath the covers, she walked cautiously to the bedroom window.  She peered though that blinds and saw nothing.  Just the fire escape, and the building across the alley.  She thought this was good at first, but began to worry again when she didn't see a single car on the street where it met the alley.  She went back to bed, but never got back to sleep.

A few hours later gave up hoping for sleep as the sun began to stream in the window, accompanied by yet more complete and total silence.  Did the whole city take the day off from work she thought as she headed for the one small bathroom in her two room apartment.  She relieved her full bladder, flushed the toilet, and turned on the shower.  The water only ran for a second and stopped.  She turned the bathroom faucet on, and no water was produced.  She ran to the kitchen, and found a lack of water there as well.  She grabbed her robe and slippers from the bedroom and started for the neighbor's apartment across the hall.  She banged on the door.  No answer.  She banged again, only harder.  Still no answer.  She tried the next door neighbor on the right, and the next door neighbor on the left, and then even tried to get the Chinese family two doors down and across the hall to answer even though they didn't speak a work of English.  No answer.  She returned to her apartment and locked herself back inside.  The silence, no water, no neighbors, no traffic on the street below, had all started to make her scared.  She tried to turn on the TV.  No power.  She tried to turn on the clock radio beside the bed, and it had no power either.  She reached for the phone that hung on the wall in the kitchen, and as she did, congratulated herself on skipping the more expensive, cordless model, as it would be useless with the power out as it appeared to be.  No dial tone.  She felt her chest tighten and new she was on the verge of a panic attack.  Her cell phone wouldn't come to life either.  She ran back to the bathroom as she recalled that they toilet had flushed, and tried to flush it again.  Nothing happened and she began to sob as the fear set in.

She had to do something.  Sitting here crying wasn't going to fix anything or give her any answers.  She quickly got dressed, grabbed her purse, keys, and useless cell phone.  She had to find out what was going on, and see if hers was the only building having this problem.  She opened the front door and was halfway to the elevator before she realized that she was going to have to take the stairs. She headed for the stairwell, and descended the six flights quickly, all the while dreading the return climb up those same six flights if power wasn't restored before she got back home.  She exited the building and looked up and down the street.  No cars, no people, no pets, no sounds.  She was completely alone.  She walked down the street a few blocks, looking into every window and door she could see through.  Not a soul could be found, not a single light turned on.  There weren't any TV's playing old movies or the news, and not a single radio played even one note softly in the distance.  She could hear not a single phone ringing, and she couldn't here any fights from young siblings over a treasured toy or even the wind blowing through a tree. 

She was completely alone.  Totally and completely alone.  She stopped at a bench at a bus stop, and cried. 

Over Heard

Over heard at my kitchen table:

 Scene - Discussing cake mix brands with his girlfriend, and that there is a whole aisle of it at the local WalMart now.

CD: Is that something stupid? Like Apple would do? Like you can't put Android on the same aisle as our stuff or you are violating the contract to be allowed to carry our stuff?

Xoke: Yeah - you can't put your stuff next to ours because then everyone will know our stuff is shit.

Local Failures

I thought I would share these with you. They are pictures showing some pretty funny fails that happened here locally.

The first is from last summer. It was a sign placed outside our local garden shop and nursery.

Now, I am positive that they were referring to flower pots, and not the illegal plant often smoked, but perhaps they should have made sure to specify as they are a place where plants can be purchased.

The next is actually from a web site displaying homes that are for sale in this area.

Unfortunately, the sale price for the house being listed in the picture above is not easily visible in this photo, so you will have to take my word for it. The Realtor has listed the house at $54,300,000.00. I am not even sure that movie stars spend that kind of money on their houses in Hollywood, but if they are, I can guarantee they are getting more than a 1222 square foot, 33 year old home, with 1 story, 3 bedrooms, and two baths, on .28 acres. The price per square foot on this home is listed at $44,435.35.

Just some silly stuff I thought I would share.

50 Mind Blowing Facts

50 Mind Blowing Facts by Online Schools

Podcasting and me? Not at this rate...

I have been mulling over the possibility of doing a podcast of my own. I would love to be able to do something on a regular basis, but so far, I haven't even been able to come up with a single topic that I think anyone will want to listen to me talk about.

I am not ready to give up yet, but I am feeling a bit discouraged. Maybe it is just that I don't have enough free time on my hands. It seems that every time I begin to think of something, I am pulled in a different direction and completely lose whatever it was that I found remotely interesting, or at least the finer points of my thoughts on the topic. I find myself wondering if maybe I had more free time on my hands, perhaps finding a topic wouldn't be so difficult. Then again, maybe it would more difficult as I may not have anything to talk about at all because I would be living an empty, boring existence. Regardless, more free time is not available, so I won't have to worry about testing either theory.

Then there are the other issues. Where am I going to store this podcast when I record it? How am I going to even tell people its out there. Editing will probably be a nightmare too. When is this house ever quiet enough for me to record? My husband has done some podcasting, so I am sure he has some, if not all, of these answers. If he does, then I am still left with the problem of what I can talk about at any length that will be interesting, and how do I make it entertaining, and different.

I know that whatever I talk about, it has to be something that I am interested in, and either already knowledgeable in, or willing to become knowledgeable in. That of course, does not guarantee that anyone else will be interested, especially when you look at the number of podcasts out there. Is there anything that hasn't already been covered by someone else? Maybe, but I haven't thought of it yet, and if I am going to compete (in a manner of speaking) with an existing show, how do I make mine different and stand out? What will make my podcast special? I keep telling myself, nothing ventured, nothing gained, but then I think, how much effort do I really want to put into something that may potentially have no listeners at all?

I guess I will kick the idea around a bit more and see if anything comes to me. Maybe I will see if the husband and Captain Dramatic will help and make it a family affair. I don't know how far I can run with that, but so far, it is the most interesting thing I have come up with. I still doesn't answer the question of what to talk about, so again, I am right back at square one. Something tells me, that figuring out what you want to talk about is probably the biggest piece of the puzzle, and none of the rest matters until you have that nailed down. It will come to me, or it won't, I just hope I am ready to write it all down before the next of life's many distractions moves in, and ruins the moment.

Can I record a podcast on how I can't think of anything to podcast on?

Dusty The Cat Burglar

Too funny. All cat lovers out there will appreciate this video.

Did You Ever Stop To Think That Maybe It Isn't Everyone Else Who Has the Problem?

I have this co-worker... OK, I have several co-workers, but this one co-worker, has some personality traits that grate against my nerves.

This co-worker should run for United States President. Here are the reasons why.

1. In what other job are you EXPECTED to be a control freak? My co-worker is the biggest control freak in the world. If this person does not know every little detail of every little happening around our place of employment there is a chest beating, "I am important", show of peacock plumage, complete with yelling and prostrating, that falls just short of childish foot stamping.

2. In what other job do you get to pretend that you must do everyone else's job for them just to make sure it is right? I can not get through a single day where this co-worker lets me do my job without telling me step by step, how to do it. I have worked for my employer for 11 years for heaven's sake! What does this person think I did before they started working here? Who does this person think trained them on half of what I do, and parts of what they do?

3. In what other job can you do absolutely none of your work, but meddle in the work of the rest of the world, and still stay employed? I am serious here. My co-worker spends the day complaining about how busy their day is, but answering emails that were not addressed to them. (For this reason,I have begun to hate CC on emails). If this co-worker would stop answering emails not addressed to them, then perhaps they would have more time to do their own job. Of course, then this person wouldn't be able to make it look like they were doing all the work then.

4. In what other job can you make life more complicated than it has to be, and call it an improvement? As the head of the Federal government, my co-worker would be most confortable because this person could then enact rules, and create proceedures that would slow down the entire process, cost a ton of money, and strip every last ounce of ease from daily life. My co-worker already does this where we work. My co-worker has imense experience in this department, as this person has created a form that I must fill out for everything, and given me a matching spreadsheet to go with it. None of which were needed before this person's employment, and probably aren't really needed now. Oh, and we have several meetings a day to discuss the proper use of these forms and spreadsheets, and to ascertain if there are any others that need to be created.

5. In what other job is it acceptable to lie (or at least expected), in order to cover your own mistakes? I now make my co-worker send everything to me in writing, via email, and I keep them ALL! Not that this stops the person in question from trying to make it look like I read it wrong, or misunderstood, or like I just pulled a stupid idea out of thin air.

6. In what other job can you spend hours talking, and not really say anything, and it is OK? My co-worker has this skill mastered too. I swear this person talks, just to hear themselves talk. My co-worker explains things that a kindergartener would know because you might not be as smart as a kindergartener, and it may be relevant to something else that may be said ten minutes later!

7. In what other job can you demand the respect of everyone around you because you have a job title with manager or something higher listed after your name? In my world, everyone gets a certain amount of respect off the top. After that, it is earned. In my co-worker's world, the job title, and the college degree are enough to demand respect from anyone and everyone. My co-worker does not treat others with respect, but demands they give respect back anyway. If you don't, it is insubordination. I have literally had to tell this person that bringing a bad attitude to my desk, only get's a bad attitude thrown right back at you. I may have also reminded my co-worker that it isn't insubordination to tell someone not to treat you like crap. Refusing to blow sunshine up their ass because they want you to, isn't insubordination either. We can ask corporate to weight in on that if there is any doubt.

8. In what other job does the phrase "I'm sorry" fix it? We have all heard it. Unfortunately, "I'm sorry" fixes nothing. Especially a holier than thou attitude, and rude behaviour, unless of course you run the country. OK, so it doesn't even fix it then, but the rest of us would just have to take it for at least four years.

9. In what other job, while you pretend you are the only person busy, and act as if everyone else is doing nothing productive, can you leave early to go skiing? And while everyone else scampers around doing your bidding, to avoid your yelling, you can get in a vacation, or a round of golf? My co-worker can do this with the best of them. Worse yet? My co-worker will get your vacation canceled, so this person can take theirs. Then this person will return and proceed to tell you how to do your job again, like you weren't capable of doing it without instruction, and didn't already have the practice of doing your job the entire time they were on their vacation.

10. In what other job can everyone curse your name, not like your attitude toward others, and cringe every time they here your voice, and yet, you remain employed? Well, it seems there are two out there. My work place, and the President of the United States. At least if my co-worker became president, I could change the channel or hit the mute button, and laugh while the press went to town.

A Story of Two Coyotes

This may not be the best place to post this, and many of you may have already seen it a time or two. I received it tonight, from a good family friend, and had to share. Sadly, I feel there are so many parts of this that are true!


California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training in the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Wyoming;

The Governor of Wyoming is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Wyoming is not.

The Best of Craig's List

I was wandering the internet tonight and stumbled across The Best of Craig's List. I looked up the listing for my area and was touched by one listing, and rolling in laughter at the others. I had to share.

This is the post that really touched me. The one that reminded me why I live in this little area of the world. This is a p-art of the country where people care and help one another. Where most people harbor no stereotypes or prejudices. It is also a part of the world where people say thank you, and mean it. Please read the below:

Date: 2008-07-07, 10:59PM PDT

Ok, so people often ask, where are the good kind people anymore?

Driving on Mt.Rose Hwy, and serving our communties is where! So I'm coming home to Reno on my motorcycle Saturday Evening after a short ride up to the top and back down cuz it was too smokey up there, somewhere around 8pm I think? Anyways... Near the bottom, I hit some oil, gravel, not sure what... but even as an experienced rider for some 30+ years, made my bike wobble so bad, I eventually lost control after doing everything I could try to do to keep it up. From what I hear, might have even hit a guard rail at some point during the crash, no memory so not sure, all I do know is next thing I'm on the pavement in a ton of pain. Rolling in the road I think...

Stranger #1 -
Then, there was a hand... holding mine, comforting me thru my gloves... Kept hearing a voice that I think was female telling me "everything was gonna be ok" and "help is on the way". Couldn't really open my eyes much, that's why I'm not sure if it was male or female, but it didn't really matter at that point, ya know? I just know 'till the day I die, I will forever remember how comforting it felt to know that "if" I was gonna die then, someone was gonna be holding my hand while it happened and I would not die alone on some road tasting asphalt.

You have no idea what that meant to me, still does, and always will. You probably also have no idea how much gratitude I would like to express to you for the comfort you gave me, a complete stranger, when I really, REALLY needed it. I just remember your hand, rubbing mine and your soft, kind, compassionate words letting me know, someone cared. You didn't just drive by, you took time out of your Holiday weekend to help me - some fat ass biker guy that some here on CL wish we would all crash and die.

Stranger #2
No clue who this was either, but someone called police/ambulance, etc. super quick and there they were, hot on the spot within minutes. (felt like minutes to me anyways, damn quick!), can't thank you enough and damn glad ya had signal...hahaha!

Stranger #3
Again, same as the others, no idea who you were, but I heard someone else say something I think about removing my helmet. In my mind I was thinking please, please don't do that, but I couldn't say it. But you could and did, you spoke up and advised against it. Damn I am glad there are people like you who know better and again, my sincere appreciation and grattitude to you as well.

Strangers #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, etc..
To all the police firemen/women, ambulance drivers, person in the back of the ambulance.. to all of you emergency responder type people who showed up who did whatever it was you had been trained to do, and loaded me on some kind of back board or something I think, and then put my big ol' self in the ambulance and got me to Renown so quickly - my most humble thanks and appreciation as well. I know you were "just doing your jobs", but damn you do them well! You will NEVER hear me bitch about your pay raises or what it costs for the absolute QUALITY services you provide our community! I do know of one policeman or hwy patrolmen who I think arranged to have my bike towed and visited me in the ER letting me know it's condition and where it had been towed to, cuz he put his badge number on my insurance paper, as I get better in the next few days I would like to find you and thank you in person since I have a clue on maybe how to find you from the badge #. You also gathered my personal belongings I had on the bike that would have been stolen for sure. (cam corder, etc..) Yes, I know, small things to worry about in that moment, but you made sure I didn't have to, again, thank you for going out of your way for my needs.

To all the Dr.s, Nurses, and whoever else was working in that ER room, my eternal thanks and grattitude as well. Man I was hurting, them ribs are a bitch when smashed, but you folks all again, did what you were trained to do in the finest proffesional manner (even on the embarssing stuff) and I just knew from all your demeanors, I was gonna be ok.

I am sure there are some typos and mis-spellings in this post, forgive me as i am on some pretty strong pills for pain, but i just got to my computer and wanted to get these thank yous out as soon as possible. All of you people just really have no clue what your kindness and compassion meant, and means to me even now.I would like to let you all know, that from your kindess, skills and so on... I'm going to be ok. Could have been a lot worse, but thanks to good people like you, a damn fine helmet and a little luck, both I and the bike are fixable.

If there is any chance of any of you "unknowns" letting me know who you are, I would greatly like to thank you all in person, if that's not your style, I respect that and just know you meant alot to one hurting, scared guy, yeah... I was scared I'll admitt to it no problem!

Last and not forgotten in any way, once I was admitted to the 3rd floor, all the Nurses, CNA's, Orderlies, people waking me up every few hours to check my vitals and stuff, I also sincerely thank you, but since I know how to re-find you all, i will be seeing you again in person to thank you properly, especially Melissa, a nurse or CNA not sure, but one awesome lady I did not have enough time to thank properly today as I left! I really wish I could have stayed and healed longer as today really ended up hurting, but you know why I had to leave. You friggin ROCK!

Sincerely,
Tim H.

Now, for the lighter side of life. I saved them to help lighten the mood and keep the tears at bay. The next three are funny, and have some questionable language at times. I have not edited them in anyway. Read at your own risk.

#1:

Date: 2009-08-25, 3:06PM PDT

I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius.

Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN :-)

<3

#2

Date: 2008-02-12, 12:53PM PST

Dear Roommates,

We live a wonderful life here in our little house in Tahoe. The location is great, the weather is wonderful, our neighbors rock. I realize that of the three of us, I am the only one in a comitted relationship, and I am fine with that. I will be moving out in the next few months, and you will have to find a third roommate. Before this happens, however, I wanted to make a suggestion that will make the new roommate's life a little easier.

Stop picking up hitchhikers, bringing them home, and fucking them all over the house.

Yeah, I know, kind of a petty demand. After all, you can't drive through town without seeing some hot little South American girl with her thumb out. And Tahoe is kind of lacking in the female department, so I see where you're coming from. But really, do you have to bring every girl you pick up home and have loud, house shaking sex with them? I admit you've both got it down to a science: Pick up hot Brazillian chick, show off the 10 words of Portugese you've learned, somehow coerce them into coming over and having sex with you, then drive them home and hope to never pick them up again. I admit, it's a pretty sweet life.

At first it was mildly entertaining to see what walked in the door. But after 3 month of constant porno sounds eminating from all corners of the house, it is starting to get on my nerves. I think what pushed me over the edge was the day I came home and found you two tag teaming some foreign chick in the living room, giving each other high fives over the top of her. I live in fear of bringing any of my friends over without doing some recon first. I should not have to call my house and ask if you're balls deep in some girls ass or if the coast is clear. None of this was disclosed when I signed the lease.

So please, I beg you to reconsider your actions for the sake of whomever replaces me. It's like living in a bad porno.

Sincerely,
Your Roommate

ps. The next time you ask me to borrow a condom because you're out, there will be a $30 charge per rubber. It's the least you can do.

#3

Date: 2007-07-10, 8:41PM PDT


Dear Craig,

I think we need to talk about our relationship. You�ve been a good friend to me in the past � we have shared some fun, some laughs, some deals. But Craig, I need to talk to you about the kind of guys you try to hook me up with.

I understand that finding two compatible souls is hard work. I respect your efforts, I really do. However, I think there is a fundamental flaw in your overall approach, Craig. Lets look at some examples:

In the past, I said I liked guys who are athletic and outgoing; you sent me boys who consider video games a sport and think that meeting new gamers in World of Warcraft is social.

I thought that my placing an ad in the W4M made it obvious that I was interested in single men. Considering that 80% who replied were married, I can only assume I didn�t make it obvious enough. Touch�, Craig. Touch�.

I indicated that I prefer tattoos, piercings and some flexibility in the 9 to 5 zone, and what do I get from you, Craig? I get insurance salesmen, accountants and computer programmers. I hope you are ashamed of yourself.

I said that I have a great sense of humor, am a smart ass and love watching South Park, Family Guy and Mythbusters; you sent me a man thinks Emeril and the cooking channel are what all humor is derived from and another who watches the 700 Club. The 700 Club, Craig!!! With that you met and exceeded my already low expectations.

I also mentioned I prefer guys a few years younger than me (preferably mid to late 20�s); seeing as the mean age of respondents was 45, I was apparently too subtle for you Craig. Either that or you sense in me an Oedipal Complex of which I am not yet aware.

Finally, I mentioned that I�m pretty independent, low-key, and relaxed type of girl. I�m busy � I own my own business, house, car, etc. When I�m not working, I like to have a good time, have fun, be spontaneous and enjoy life but am not looking to get married or have kids right now. Apparently you thought I would be a great match for forty-something guys trying to find a mother for their kids or a baby-making machine themselves � or someone to cook and clean for them � or a permanent or temporary sex toy. As I have mentioned before, Craig, I do not come as a sex only package. My vagina is not up for auction

Craig: it has become obvious to me that you believe that extreme opposites attract. I see your game, and I raise you. Craig: please find me a short, bald, uninteresting, middle aged man with no sense of humor and a small penis who loves Classical Music and hanging out at home with his kids and cat.

I hope the first gave you pause and made you think. I hope it made you remember that even the smallest gesture, like holding a person's hand, can mean the world. I hope the last three gave you a giggle, and reminded you that you aren't alone in your struggles to grasp sanity. Or perhaps the helped you remember that maybe things aren't as bad for you as you had previously thought?

Our Cat

I just wanted to share this silly video of our cat. As most cats, she is fascinated with lights, specially if they move. She is hours of entertainment for us. To get our attention at night she will jump up and turn the light in the hall on and off, but I have yet to catch that on video. Enjoy.

A Printer Obituary

It has been a very long week at work. There is no immediate end in site. Tomorrow is Friday, but for my co-workers and I, it is day five in a 12 day run, all of which will be over eight hours to varying degrees. So what happens when people are tired of being at work, and feeling very stressed, and they know that they have to keep going for another seven days? Now what do those same people, in that same situation do when a form printer dies? Well, if you work with the people I do, this is what.

The printer died when I was at lunch. I returned from lunch and checked my email as I always so. Most of it was the standard run of the mill email I get all day long. There was an over abundance it seemed, but some days are just like that. Then I spotted this email for our office manager:

Subject: Death in our Family
Importance: High

Yes that's right. Today our dearest friend #3 choked to death
while trying to deliver "J" a [redacted company name] bill of lading. She was born in the early 1990's during the implementation of the old warehouse management system. She was dedicated to making our staff a success and will be missed by all. #3 is survived by two sisters, #2 and #4.

She is now laid to rest in our server room.

Donations to the Food Bank of Nevada are preferred in lieu of flowers.

All kidding aside-it did choke, but we switched out the network cable and you can still request bills of lading to print to #3.

Yes, an obituary for a printer, sent out to all the office and management staff. It was a serious tension breaker, and great to laugh. I think we all laughed at this one, and I am pretty sure we all needed the laugh. It didn't end there though, but these emails rarely do. Several replies followed:

May she rest in pieces...

Then...

Please advise the time of the viewing, we would like to pay our last respects...

And...

My deepest respect and sympathy go out to all of the family.

Next...

Has anyone ever seen Office Space? I may have a baseball bat in my car... I'm just saying.

And...

Hold off on that. "I" thinks we need to find out if it is a organ donor first. :P

Finally...

I got dibs on the brain! :)

Most people call it getting a bit "punchy", some say "giggly", others have even said "sober drunkenness". We just call it therapy.

Funny Poem

I received this funny poem via email today. I have no idea who wrote it, but I would love to know and shake their hand!

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT PSALM 2009
Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
---------------------------
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog …
And Obama was a tree

I just wish it were a little less true for the sake of all Americans. I knew Obama wasn't right for this country, I just had no idea he could preform on such a high level of complete and utter failure.

Chewbacca

I just found this hysterical! This guy has a cabinet that sounds just like Chewbacca! I had to share with all of you. I found it hard to watch without a giggle.

Guys Cabinet Door Sounds Exactly like Chewbacca! - watch more funny videos

The Things The Go Through My Mind

This story was the least likely I expected to see.

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fractured her right elbow Wednesday during a fall, State Department officials said.

Clinton fell Wednesday afternoon on her way to the White House and was taken to George Washington University Hospital. She was treated and released, and will have surgery to repair her elbow in coming weeks.

"Secretary Clinton appreciates the professionalism and kindness she received from the medical team who treated her this evening and looks forward to resuming her full schedule soon," said Cheryl Mills, a State Department spokeswoman.

I don't mean to sound crude or rude, as I don't truly wish any ill on anyone. I still couldn't help my initial thought upon reading this story. "It would have been a more productive fall if she had landed on her head. May have knocked some sense into her."

Although I don't agree with her politics, or her choice in husbands, nor her choice to remain married to a cheater and liar, I can say that I hope she recovers soon and well. A broken elbow must be very painful, and I don't want to see any one suffer. That may be the reason her standing by Bill bothers me so much. To each their own.

Bumper Stickers

I often catch myself reading bumper stickers while I drive. At least when it is safe to do so. I love bumper stickers. Imagine my delight when I received an email that listed some of the best bumper stickers I have ever seen. I put them in a slide show. Please enjoy!

Calling 911

So, there are numerous things that would lead a person to calling 911. Some are more serious than others, but I am pretty sure we are all in agreement that 911 should only be called in life and death emergencies.

Not for the reason this woman called.

Woman calls 911 over lack of shrimp in fried rice
Associated Press, 04.07.09, 07:43 PM EDT

A woman called 911 to report she didn't get as much shrimp as she wanted in her fried rice at a Fort Worth-area restaurant. Police on Tuesday released the taped emergency call, in which the customer is heard telling the dispatcher, "to get a police officer up here, what has to happen?" The customer also said: "He didn't even put extra shrimp in there."

The upset customer was gone when an officer arrived Monday afternoon.

Restaurant workers said the woman had been denied a refund after leaving with her order, then returning to complain.

Cook June Lee said there was nothing wrong with the meal, and that "some customers are happy. Some are not."

Waste of time, waste of taxpayer money, and a perfect example of how petty and selfish other people's children really are. I really can't make it anymore simple that that.

A Whole New Definition

How many of you have seen professional athletes on TV playing their sport of choice? How many of you enjoy the show-boating that sometimes occurs on the field? Well, I am sure some of you are like me and think it silly to some extent, but here is some show boating by NFL players that you are sure to enjoy. It gives show-boating a whole new definition.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Which was your personal favorite? My favorite was the player kicking the ball and ringing the bell. The player diving through the open windows of the SUV was a very close runner up.

Dear President Obama

Perhaps not something that was really sent to the President, and perhaps Richard Ford isn't even a real person living in Queen Creek, Arizona, but this short little letter that arrived in my inbox is to the point, and makes a very valid point.

Subject: A short note to the President

Dear President Obama,

Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You
know the one's down the street who in the good times refinanced their house several times and bought SUV's, ATV's, RV"s, a pool, a big screen, two Wave Runners and a Harley. But I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

Richard Ford
Queen Creek, AZ

P.S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?
P.P.S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

This Is Why I Like To Fly Southwest

I have had the benefit of enjoying the company of some of the best flight attendants in my lifetime, but only when I have flown Southwest. Don't get me wrong, I have been on other airlines with wonderfully nice attendants who made my time on the plane much more tolerable than it could have been with out them. Southwest has the most entertaining attendants "per capita" by far, hands down.

I have been on Southwest flights where the attendants sing the safety message that has to be shared with passengers before take off. Funny little ditties full of humor in fact, and to this day I wish I had written the song down. I have been on a Southwest flight full of teenagers who were flying to a youth convention. A five hours flight became much more bearable when the attendants started a few games such as a relay race to pass the pillow from the front of the plane to the back, and see who's aisle got to the back first without getting out of your seat. Or when her partner decided that he would run up and down the aisle leading us all in the wave.

This is on thing I have seen though, although the price of an airline ticket would be well worth it, just to say I had. Watch this video, and tell me how long it would have taken you to think this up, and how many times you would have had to rehearse it to get it right?

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

See? Cool huh? To all the wonderfully creative and entertaining staff of Southwest airlines I say thank you. Thank you for making the hassles of airport security, baggage claim, and sitting between two obnoxious or smelly people so much more tolerable. I really mean it. Without you, so many of my trips would have gotten off on the wrong foot the minute I arrived at the airport.

Judas Asparagus

If you need a laugh today, then this should do it! I usually try and stay away from religious humor, and although religion is resent, the humor is the a child's interpretation of what he or she was taught. This reminded me so much of Captain Dramatic as a young one that I couldn't stop laughing. It also begs the question,
"I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching?"

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.