Burn Out

I haven't written anything of any substance here in ages. I hadn't even put any thought into why that is until today. I think that for the longest time, I just shut down. I think I was suffering from a what is often called burn out.

You see, I had always tried to put a lot of thought into what I posted here. I always tried to understand both sides of every story. I am not going to pretend that I always did, but I tried to. Sometimes you just can't get the other side of the argument because your mind does not work the same as those that hold the other view. That is normal, or at least I think so.

I think that all of the effort I was trying to put in to everything I wrote took a toll on me. The time spent researching, and then trying to lay everything out usually led to a bunch on unfinished writing. Often times, something I started may not have become complete until after the topic was beat to death on other blogs, or in the media. It started to become a depressing endeavor for me. It never sits well with me when I can't finish something I have started.

Another problem I ran into, was a loss of my passion for blogging. Or maybe it would be better to say, that I lost my drive to write about the things that were happening around me. Maybe because I started to think that perhaps none of this stuff matters to anyone, but me. In the past, I have never been one to require much feed back from others, but maybe in this instance, or at that point in my life, I did. As most "everyday people" who blog know, any feedback received is usually in short supply, and trolls and spammers are often in abundance. Without constructive, worthwhile, thought provoking feedback, I began to really think of my writing as a chore. So much time and work went into my writing, and it felt as if little meaning seemed to come from it.

Well, by now I am sure you are thinking, "oh please! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!" Well, I would have never used that phrase to describe how I felt. There wasn't any self-pity involved really. I was more apathetic than that. I just stopped. I just started filling my time up in other ways. It seems I just closed that chapter and walked away. There was a level of self-detachment that was present. A few of my loyal readers (there were only a few, but they were, and are still wonderful people, I am sure) even emailed me, and I kept those emails, but I am not sure that I even responded. (If I didn't, I am very sorry for that unintentional slight.) It as those emails that got me thinking about why I stopped blogging to begin with.

This absence from blogging has taught me something. I guess you could say, that my having left the blogosphere wasn't a total loss. I have learned that when I can't write about things that are on my mind or bothering me, I have a harder time coping with them. This was an outlet for me. My blog was a place to put my thoughts, and ideas, and a place to vent my angers and frustrations. Without it, I think that the intellectual part of me was slowly dying out.

Worse yet, the things that I used to write about, started being pushed further from my mind. I tried not to think about them, as when I did they bothered me. I gave up on politics, and trying to guide people toward thinking independently and drawing their own conclusions based on fats rather than what they were being force-fed by the main stream media. I stopped trying to point out the inconsiderate of the world, and stopped trying to educate others on the right way to treat those they shared planet with by using bad examples provided by the ignorant, cruel, and mis-guided of the world. I stopped trying to make a difference.

Today, while cleaning old emails off my PC, I found those few notes that I mentioned earlier, that reminded me of a time when trying to make a difference was important to me. I realized that I felt better about me, when I felt like I was doing something instead of watching the world and the people in it destroy what I love about this country and the humanity that resides here. I think I want to work my way back to the place where I offer thoughts in the hope that I can help make a difference. Maybe all the effort that I used to exert in the creation of a blog post was worth it. Maybe it is time to get involved again.

Wish me luck. It may be a struggle to get back into the swing of things. I have a lot of catching up to do.